Ancient Hebrew Wedding Process
What is Makes Up an Ancient Hebrew Wedding
The wedding process was a series of stages.
Shiddukhim (שידוכים) The Matchmaking Stage
Eirusin (אֵרוּסִין) The Betrothal & Prep Stage
Shiddukhim (שידוכים) The Matchmaking Stage
This is the stage focused on the preliminary arrangements before a betrothal is legal. Marriages were legally binding oaths more in line with alliances and treaties between families than the modern times reflects. Both parties had to be interested in each other but the modern concept of love wasn’t as large of a component.
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Samson went down to Timnah, and at Timnah he saw one of the daughters of the Philistines. Then he came up and told his father and mother, “I saw one of the daughters of the Philistines at Timnah. Now acquire her for me as my wife.”
But his father and mother said to him, “Is there not a woman among the daughters of your relatives, or among all our people, that you must go to take a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?” But Samson said to his father, “Acquire her for me, for she is right in my eyes.”
Then Samson went down with his father and mother to Timnah, and they came to the vineyards of Timnah. And behold, a young lion came toward him roaring.
–Judges 14:1-3, 5
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Eirusin (אֵרוּסִין) The Betrothal Stage
The Eirusin starts with the formation of the marriage contract or the ketubah (כתובה). The ketubah is a legally binding document that outlines the groom’s obligations to the bride to protect her, including financial responsibilities and rights in the case of divorce or the groom’s death. The ketubah is signed by witnesses and given to the bride as part of the wedding ceremony.
The ketubah had multiple stages:
The conditions and requirements of the bride and groom to each other (vows)
The bride’s itemized estate was listed in the ketubah (silver, property, livestock, investments, etc.) that the bride would merge with the groom’s estate upon marriage (inventory)
The bride price, fifty shekels of silver worth around a third of a year’s six days a week labor income; or very roughly 30,000 USD in 2020 adjusted price. This was a down payment that could be fortified if the contract was voided, the bride divorced, or a second wife was taken without the consent of the bride and her father (mohar מֹהַר). The majority of the mohar would be given by the father to the daughter as a gift. A father that kept the majority or entirety of the mohar would have been considered unkind and brutal.
The groom would also obtain an expensive gift to the bride called the Mattan (מַתָּן). This could be jewelry, clothing, or other personalized items that symbolize the groom’s commitment and affection for the bride given at the signing of the ketubah as a promise that the groom would come back for the bride.
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Shechem also said to her father and to her brothers, “Let me find favor in your eyes, and whatever you say to me I will give.
Ask me for as great a bride-price (mohar) and gift (mattan) as you will, and I will give whatever you say to me. Only give me the young woman to be my wife.”
–Genesis 34:11-12
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Eirusin Process
The Eirusin betrothal process had a performative multi-step process:
The groom and his father would go to the bride’s father’s house and knock on the door. The bride had the opportunity not to open the door on the suiting groom.
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Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.
–Revelation 3:20
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Once the door was opened by the future bride the groom and father would be invited inside the home, given bread and wine and the negotiation would happen. Once this was completed the agreement would be taken to the public for review.
The bride and groom would undergo a mikveh ritual cleansing bath, then stand under a chuppah where the groom would give the bride her mattan gifts with two or three witnesses observing, promising to return for her.
The ketubah would then be signed for all to see, three copies would be made. One for the father of the bride, one for the married couple, and one sealed copy for the local judicial court where only a judge can rightfully break the seal in case of disagreement and lawsuit.
At this point, consummation and cohabitation did not yet happen. This begins the Erusin prep time where both parties are bound by contract.
Erusin Prep Time
At this time the couple is legally bound to each other but does not yet live together as husband and wife. This part of the erusin phase is marked by a time of preparation for both the groom and the bride usually lasting 12 months.
Preparations by the Groom:
Most grooms did not have a home of their own but lived in a side addition in his father’s house so the newly betrothed groom would begin construction on full expansion onto his fathers home for them to live in.
Preparations by the Bride:
This is the time that the bride would learn all about the groom, all the lessons on how to be a wife, she would sew her valuable and spotless wedding dress. For this period the bride and groom would not see each other. That said messages were passed between the two by the friend of the groom.
Nisu’in (נישואין) The Wedding Stage
Nisu’in which means “to take” is the stage of the wedding process in which the groom returns for his bride after about 12 months away. In this process he symbolically and literally exaltingly lifts her up from her father’s household and brings her to the groom’s father’s house he has built an extension onto.
This arrival is announced with great shofar horn blasts and often at midnight as the groom’s procession is lit by oil lamp walking down the street. Although the bride trust that the groom would return for her after about a year she did not know the day nor hour and neither did her bridal party. It was only the father of the groom that gave the final approval for the son to go and collect his bride, knowing that the son had fulfilled his obligations as a future husband both physically, mentally and emotionally; that he was ready to be a husband.
Once the groom had reached the bride’s home and lifted her onto a bridal litter, an Appiryon (אַפִּרְיוֹן) which was a covered lounge lifted by two poles on either side.
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King Solomon made himself a litter (appiryon) from the wood of Lebanon. He made its posts of silver, its support of gold, its seat of purple; its interior lovingly decorated by the daughters of Jerusalem.
Song of Songs 3:9-10
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The bride and her party always made sure to keep oil lamps filled and ready at all times not knowing when he would come and not wanting to keep him waiting. The groom haven lifted his bride in a celebratory parade would then return to the home of the father for a private locked consummation & feast.
Once back behind locked doors the couple would finalize their vows and drink a cup of wine to signify their union.
Yichud (יִחוּד) The Consummation Stage
Yichud, which means seclusion of togetherness is the part of the Nisu’in where the bride (kallah) and groom (chattan) are secluded together in a private space, the cheder chuppah (חֶדֶר חוּפָּה) immediately following the Nisu’in ceremony. This symbolic act represents their first moment of privacy as a married couple and signifies their union. Usually a 10-15 minute timeframe where the bride & groom’s parents along with the ten or so friends of the bride as well as the groom’s two witnesses would wait just outside for the evidence of virginity, the simanim shel betulim (סימנים של בתולים) to be shown by the groom and the statement of “it is done”.
This item was required as proof that the bride was a virgin at the time of marriage. This was often demonstrated through the display of a bloodstained cloth or garment, known as the cloth of betulim (beged betulim), which would be shown to confirm that the bride had not had previous sexual relations. This was to protect the bride from accusations that she was not a virgin if the groom wanted to sleep with her and then immediately divorce and get his wealth back.
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Then the father of the young woman and her mother shall take and bring out the evidence of her virginity (betulim) to the elders of the city at the gate.
Deuteronomy 22:15
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Often the very same chuppah from the public betrothal ceremony was used as the covering for the wedding bed. Once the marriage was consummated the groom would hand the cloth of betulim to the witnesses and the ceremony would begin in earnest. If the bride was not found to be a virgin she could be stoned to death if not “put away” quietly the way that Joseph thought about doing with Mary. Put away being the term for an issuance of divorce, the get (גֵּט) which could be done in quiet not petitioning for return of the mohar or mattan.
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Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not wanting to make her a public example, was minded to put her away secretly.
Matthew 1:19
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Once the legal steps were complete the bridal party commenced with a seven day celebration which is why they typically happened after the summer harvest when there was plenty of wine, fruit and food.
Modesty of the Bride
A final interesting note that is worth thinking about is covered in the Talmud [Yoma 54a.13]. In which it tackles the confusion as to how the public could be allowed to see the Ark of the Covenant on the pilgrimage festivals when [Numbers 4:20] stated that seeing the sacred objects would lead to death and that even the Levites could not look upon them without covering, how could they be publicly displayed? The answer is very in keeping with the Wedding shadow and type explained here.
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Rav Naḥman said in answer: This is analogous to a bride; as long as she is engaged but still in her father’s house, she is modest in the presence of her husband. However, once she is married and comes to her father-in-law’s house to live with her husband, she is no longer modest in the presence of her husband. Likewise, in the wilderness, when the Divine Presence did not dwell in a permanent place, it was prohibited to see the sacred objects. By contrast, all were allowed to see the sacred objects in their permanent place in the Temple.
Yoma 54a.13
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